Bad Teacher Resolutions

Adam, my co-blogger here, always preaches timeliness in blogging. I imagine if he is ever asked to be the keynote speaker at a blogging convention, he will talk about how you should focus on writing about whatever is trending on twitter. I'm going to try to take his advice and write about the new year, though, according to up-to-the-minute trends, I should probably write about Alabama football, Mariah Carey, and a jersey shore reunion. Also, I really hope Adam is asked to be the keynote speaker at a blogging convention. Adam is one of the funniest public speakers I have ever heard. He blends the sharp satire of John Stewart, with the purposeful ignorance of Steve Carrell in the early seasons of the office, with the striking wisdom of the Dalai Lama or something.  

One time, I heard Adam give a 22 minute best man speech at a wedding. Half of the audience ate it up as one of the best stand-up routines in modern history, while the other half was disgusted as Adam, champagne flute half-raised in his right hand, stood willfully between them and the cupid shuffle. 

Shit was hilarious. 

Adam would tell me to write some teacher resolutions. So I'll try. 

1) One of my favorite colleagues has a way of avoiding meaningless teacher conversations by waving his hand and saying "All right, then," in a dismissive and jovial way while he keeps on moving. He is a little older, so I think people just assume he can't hear. It's great, and most times his response doesn't make any sense. But I'm never mad at him because it is so funny.

"Hey man, do we have a staff meeting?" I'll ask in passing.

"All right then," he'll say with confidence. Damn. What a great response to anything that seems like a waste of time. 

So starting tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can pull this off without people thinking I am a complete ass. 

"Hey Boll, you jammed the copier."

"All right then," and I'm out. 

"Boll- did you turn in your lesson plans?" 

"All right then." With a flick of my right hand and a smile. 

"Boll- you are clearly avoiding all conversations that annoy you with dismissive responses and a happy tone hoping that no one notices. That seems like kind of jerk move." 

"All righty then." 

Smile, and keep walking. Genius. 

2) Try to find a lot more time in class to dance and sing. Even when kids protest that you are "doing too much." But don't just do any dance, try to perfect certain hip hop dances that will ensure I go viral as the white teacher that is always dancing and kind of nailing really complex and modern dances.    

Then, after a few million views, I can retire from teaching as a you tube millionaire. I could be kind of like Ron Clark. Though Adam can't stand Ron Clark, so my newfound fame would probably spell the end of this mediocre blog. I think our friendship would survive though, Adam has been overly forgiving of many stylistic mistakes that I have made over the years. This includes a time that I bought these shoes thinking that they were some port into the future. 

By the way, I think Adam's disdain for Ron Clark is rooted in a combination of jealousy and a really bad movie starring Matthew Perry. Adam loves "Friends," so he probably thought the movie tarnished the "Chandler Bing" image that he held so dearly. But also, it is a really bad teacher movie. It makes "Freedom Writers" look Oscar-worthy.  

3) Teacher personality and character development are important. As a younger teacher, I thrived on energy, standing on tables, and jumping over desks. I was that guy. But as an almost 35 year old man with rapidly developing love handles, I risk a blown ACL in the classroom if I stay on that path. At minimum, I'm barely able to clear a desk anymore, so it is only a matter of time before I fall across my room in shame, and that will take a while to live down. 

I'm thinking I need a new personality. Maybe I could develop a few mysterious back stories that I reference occasionally, as if by mistake. I could have been an informant for the FBI, or I could have spent my college years in a mildly successful boy band, or I could have occasionally lapses in memory, where I seem to forget all that is happening and I pretend that the class is made up of my childhood friends. I could start to share all these old memories about middle school and little league baseball. 

I don't know. I'm still working on it. 

Anyway, how is that for timeliness? 

Happy New Year.